Am I lost or am I found?
I'm sitting in a kitchen in Mexico. Sipping on a matcha latte. It's sunny outside and the sound of the birds, the roosters, traffic and the river in the garden is alive in my consciousness. It's warm outside. Spring. But still chilly in the shade. I'm at a point in my journey, where it feels like nothing makes sense anymore.. yet somehow everything does.
I look at all the things I used to identify myself with, that used to make me feel good, and proud. A photographer. A surfer. An entrepreneur. An independent woman. And somehow, these titles don't resonate anymore.
It's not that I don't do those things, or embody those archetypes of myself sometimes. But it doesn't ring as true in my bones anymore. Perhaps, because something else is yearning to come through. A new chapter wants to be written. A new side of me is waiting to be explored.
I somehow can't get myself to work anymore. It feels like force, and I'm not excited about it. Perhaps it's because I need a break. I need to do something else for a while.. Something that feels like play. Or I simply need rest, as it seems like it's the only thing my body is asking for these days. Somehow I've built a beautiful career for myself, yet I'm not sure I want to do it anymore. There's no oomph left within me to keep moving it forward. Is this burn out? Is this stress? Or am I straight up having an identity crisis?
If so, I'm fully ok with it. I don't mind new adventures. I don't mind letting go of things that aren't me and exploring new ways of living and being. I know that when I've done that in the past, that's when I've found parts of what's felt like my true self. But I'd like for it to arrive now, cause most of the time, it feels like I don't really know what to do with myself.
Maybe that's why I'm in Mexico. To keep finding pieces of the puzzle. To be completely out of my "normal life" to discover what it is I really want now. Another road unexplored. Where is the path taking me? What wants to be lived through me in this time of my life?
I am here, open, to whatever I will be shown, that will spark that life, that inspiration, that movement within me again.
But maybe this is it. This is the cosmic joke of it all. There is no new me to get to. No new identity to cling onto. It's simply flowing with the journey, becoming excellent at molding, and finding peace in it all. It might not look like it did before... It'll look different, but you know, all roads lead to home.